childhood

i took a trip down memory lane tonight. looking at old pictures and talking with my aunt about my childhood. i wanted to share what im feeling right now. i still feel very much a child. people tell me im an adult because i have my own place and i support myself with noones help, etc...but i dont believe them. i dont believe that im this 'grown up'. i was always so afraid of growing up. of even graduation day. i didnt really know what i was supposed to be. esp after 7th grade. you see it was in 7th grade that my childhood got a lil...messy. my moms drug problem started and my family pretty much fell apart after that. we never have been close since. anyone. but i remember all the barbeque's and parties we used to have at our house in FL. i used to ride horses that we had, and go 4 wheeling with the neighborhood kids. the little things my mom used to do for me. like leave notes in my lunch box. or pick me up early from school randomly just because. i miss those days sometimes. i am so used to thinking about all the negative things in my life that i forgot about all the fun times we used to have. how much of a family we were. i wonder how different things would be if we were still like that. but i do believe that i am very much who i am today because of the shit i had to go through. im very strong and brave, at least i think i am, because of it all. still my mom always says please remember the good mom you had, not the drug addict. and i know she wont read this but i want her to know that every time i think of her that's the first thing i think of. her waking me up at 3am as a lil boy cause it was snowing, or because the wizard of oz was on tv. that valentines day in 4th grade when she brought 33 red balloons with heart candies tied on the end for everyone in my class. and McDonalds for everyone. (i was real popular after that)
i love my family. as fucked up as it may be. and has distant as it all is. i am who i am because of it. i forget that sometimes.